|Eric Holder reading my letter|
Sent to: http://www.justice.gov/contact-us
Attorney General Eric Holder
United States Department of Justice
Dear Attorney General Holder,
As I understand it, your office has determined that so-called extraordinary rendition is perfectly legal. In your view, it is legal, Constitutional, and 100% kosher to kidnap people and transport them to countries where they will be harshly interrogated, tortured, and/or extrajudicially executed.
As an American who proudly partakes of our nation's can-do entrepreneurial spirit, I sense a business opportunity here. But I thought I had better check in with you first to make sure that you have no legal objections to my proposal.
My plan involves expanding the use of extraordinary renditions to target torturers as well as terrorists. Since the whole point of extraordinary rendition is to go after "the worst of the worst," it seems silly to exclude torturers. Terrorists merely blow people up, quickly and humanely. Torturers, however, intentionally set out to inflict the cruelest sorts of pain and suffering on their victims over prolonged periods. So if terrorists are "the worst of the worst," torturers are truly "worse than the worst of the worst."
In an effort to expand renditions to include those who most deserve them, I am planning to incorporate as Torture Renditions Ltd. As the name suggests, we will focus on kidnapping torturers and transporting them across national borders to places where they can get a taste of their own medicine.
We will begin by snatching the torturers named in the recent Senate report and transporting them to a dungeon in Tijuana, where they will be offered incentives (ahem) to name their accomplices. (And by "incentives" I do not mean shots of tequila, though the vile liquid may of course be used as an H2O substitute when we waterboard them.) Then those accomplices will likewise be snatched and transported out of the US to similar places.
We also propose a hostile takeover: We hope to kidnap and disappear Eric Prince, CEO of the company known as Academi formerly known as XE formerly known as Blackwater. After all of the Academi principals have been "interrogated" and disappeared, we will rename the company Torture Renditions Ltd. and start going after other torturers.
We feel this business plan offers unlimited growth opportunities. The best part is that it is completely self-sustaining: We can never run out of renditioners and torturers to rendition and torture, because every time we rendition and torture a renditioner and torturer, we have by definition created a new renditioner and torturer to rendition and torture. This is one of those rare businesses that can never run out of customers. Heck, it might even revive the moribund US economy and greatly reduce the 20% real (as opposed to official) unemployment rate. And if we disappear the victims after we torture them, as the CIA guys and their friends sometimes do, we will be putting a big dent in the population problem…maybe even a "final solution," assuming the last guy standing is willing to rendition, torture, and disappear himself.
So please let me know ASAP whether your office has any legal objection to my proposed course of action. And while you're at it, since you yourself are complicit in rendition and torture, perhaps you could have your scheduler set up an appointment for me to stop by your office, snatch you, pull a bag over your ugly head, stuff you into the trunk of my car, and haul you to Tijuana to be tortured and disappeared.
Dr. Kevin Barrett
Labels: academi, blackwater, eric holder, eric prince, extraordinary rendition, satire, torture, xe