Will Kerry masturbate naked in a coffin to launch Syria war?

The alternative media has raised John Kerry's membership in Skull and Bones as a possible reason for his enthusiasm for war with Syria.

Skull and Bones is a satan-worshipping secret society formed in the 19th century by the most ruthless members of America's slaving, opium-trading WASP organized crime families. Skull and Bones members are selected for their cunning and sociopathy. They are inducted in a bizarre ceremony that occurs every year in "the Crypt" - an underground bunker beneath a building near Yale University in New Haven, Connnecticut.
"The Crypt" lies below this building

New members are led down into the crypt, and forced to lie naked in a coffin, surrounded by older Bonesmen - including in some cases their own fathers. The inductee is then required to masturbate while recounting his entire sexual history to the assembled crowd.

In 2004, both of the major-party presidential candidates - George W. Bush and John Kerry - had performed this depraved act.

Now, according to unconfirmed reports, John Kerry is considering a new strategy for persuading the US Congress to go to war with Syria. According to unnamed State Department sources, Kerry is planning to lie naked in a coffin in front of Congress and masturbate while delivering his next impassioned call for war.

Kerry's naked-in-a-coffin speech will reportedly detail his entire sexual history - including graphic descriptions of what he does with his wife, the Jewish-Zionist ketchup heiress Theresa Heinz in a huge jacuzzi full of warm ketchup.

How will this strategy persuade Congress to launch a war with Syria? A State Department source, who wishes to remain anonymous, explained that Kerry will offer to terminate his performance as soon as Congress unanimously declares its willingness to vote for war. "After about fifteen seconds of watching Kerry masturbating naked in a coffin, even the most rabid anti-war congress-critters will vote for anything just to make him stop," the aide explained.

The Executive Director of the Order of Skull and Bones - a reclusive individual with a tail and horns who often carries a pitchfork - could not be reached for comment.

"OK, I'll vote for anything! Just make him stop!"

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