When I heard that North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un was threatening to nuke Washington, DC, and "engulf the nation's capital in a sea of flames," my first thought was: "At last, a politician with a plan that could actually solve our nation's most pressing problems."
The thought of Inside-the-Beltway Washington going up in flames brought joy to my heart. The politicians - incinerated! The lobbyists - carbonized! The Supreme Court - cremated! The Pentagon - a five-sided crème brûlée! AIPAC - reduced to cinders that would fit in a Volkswagen's ashtray!
No more nightmares about an aerial army of drones swooping down on us like the wicked witch's winged monkeys. No more concerns that my friends, neighbors, or family might end up on the "kill list" of Obama's death panels. No more visions of Washington's political monkeys rounding us up and sending us to Haliburton detention camps. No more uneasiness about DHS's order for billions of hollow-point bullets. No more false flag attacks, and no more pompous political posers lying us into idiotic wars.
After all, they've burned the Constitution. So there is no longer any reason not to burn Washington, DC.
At this point, it's either them or us.
If Washington were gone, erased from the face of the earth, the planet would be infinitely better for it. There would be nobody left to trash our economy and steal our money and use it to bully folks on the far side of the world who would rather be minding their own damn business...folks like Kim Jong-un, who apparently is fed up, and rightfully so, with Washington thinking it's in charge of every distant corner of the earth.
To hell with Washington, DC. The sooner they nuke it, the better, as far as I'm concerned.
But I'm a thoughtful, reasonable guy. I try to look at both sides of every issue. So I thought to myself, "Wait a minute...suppose there's something I'm missing."
I sat down with a pencil and paper and decided to make a list of all the reasons NOT to nuke Washington, DC.
Fourteen hours later, I had come up with five good reasons.
So I decided to write an open letter to Kim Jong-un, just in case he hadn't yet considered all the pros and cons.
The Honorable Kim Jong-un
Supreme Leader, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea
Pyongyang, North Korea
Dear Supreme Leader Jong-un (may I call you Kim?)
Dennis Rodman says you're a stand-up guy, which makes you all right in my book. So I thought I'd check in with you about your promise to nuke Washington, DC and turn it into a "sea of flames."
I understand that threatening to nuke Washington, DC is a good political move in North Korea.
Have you considered that it might also be a good political move here in America?
Since you're obviously an ambitious guy - not every leader of an economic-basket-case country of 25 million people runs around threatening to nuke DC - I think you ought to consider ditching your current job and running for President of the USA on a "Nuke Washington" platform.
The polls show that the American people HATE Washington, DC. Congress's "favorable" rating has been running at the edge of the single digits for years. The rest of DC isn't doing much better.
If you came here and promised to nuke Washington, you wouldn't just be elected in a landslide. You'd be anointed Supreme Leader here too, by popular acclaim.
There are, however, compelling reasons not to nuke Washington, DC. After spending all day and most of the night trying to think of some, I came up with the following list:
1) There are quite a few dogs, cats, rats, cockroaches, trees, shrubs, and other innocent animals and plants that live there.
2) If Washington were scrubbed from the face of the earth, Americans would no longer have a focus for their hatred, and the nation would become disunited and fractious.
3) Ditto for the world.
4) If you give the orders to "nuke Washington," your missile might accidentally be delivered to Washington state, which has really beautiful mountains and rivers and stuff.
5) If Washington DC gets nuked, and all its freemasonic symbols are obliterated, the damn freemasons will just move their world capital to Jerusalem, bulldoze the al-Aqsa mosque, put up a temple for sacrificing red heifers, and rebuild DuPont Circle, the Washington's Dick Monument, Congress, the White House, AIPAC, the whole nine yards...so the whole thing will turn out to have been pointless.
Then again, what difference does it make if they move America's capital to Israel - the whole place has been owned by the Israelis for years anyway.
So, on balance, I would urge you to refrain from nuking Washington DC until you have considered all your options - including a possible run for Supreme Leader of the USA.
Dr. Kevin Barrett
-deep in the woods of western Wisconsin, just about as far away from Washington, DC as I can get without falling into the Mississippi River