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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

In which I turn myself in for Indefinite Military Detention

Sent to:  www.dhs.gov/xutil/contactus.shtm

 Dear DHS,

As someone who could be said to "substantially support al-Qaeda, the Taliban, or associated forces," I am writing to turn myself in under the new NDAA law. Please send a US military brigade, preferably the Marines (semper fi, guys!) to indefinitely detain me. (I'd prefer the Marines because I'm a big fan of Gen. Smedley Butler - and I LOVE Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket. I mean, let's face it, compared to the other services, the Marines are seriously cool.)

I suppose you want me to explain what "substantially support" means. Well, I'm wondering about that myself.

If "substantially support" means giving money and weapons, then unfortunately I'm ineligible to be indefinitely detained for life and put up on a military base at the expense of the US taxpayer. Of course, the only reason I haven't given al-Qaeda and the Taliban any money is that they haven't asked. If Bin Laden, who died in December 2001, returned from the grave one more time, dragging his seaweed-covered dialysis machine behind him, and showed up on my doorstep with a begging bowl, I would definitely offer some spare change. And if Mullah Omar ever dropped by for a visit, I would offer him three cups of tea and plenty of sympathy. If he needed a few bucks, well, who am I to refuse charity? He could probably use a clean, shiny new glass eye by now.

If, on the other hand, "substantially support" means to "like" or "cheer for," in the same way I substantially support, say, the Green Bay Packers - who are kicking almost as much ass in the NFL as the Taliban is in Afghanistan - well, then, let me admit that I am a fan of Bin Laden and the Taliban.

The comparison is slightly misleading, because I support the Packers wholeheartedly and unreservedly, whereas I do have some areas of disagreement with Bin Laden and the Taliban. I think Bin Laden's decision to become a lifelong CIA asset was misguided, to say the least. And I think the Taliban have at times behaved inconsiderately to Shi'ites and other non-Pashtuns, women, and gigantic stone statues.

Nonetheless, I think Bin Laden will go down in history as a hero for having the guts to repeatedly insist that he had nothing to do with 9/11. Those statements, which he made throughout September and early October 2001, may have sealed his fate. (Then again, he was an end-stage kidney patient and wouldn't have lived much longer anyway.)*

Additionally, Osama Bin Laden was by all accounts a good, pious man as well as a terrific public speaker. I unreservedly support at least 95% of what he said in the many excellent speeches and public statements he made throughout his tragically curtailed life. (I'm not just talking through my turban here - I was part of a translation team hired by an anthropologist at UW-Madison to translate a bunch of OBL's speeches.)

And as far as supporting the Taliban - well, how could anyone NOT support them? These guys are bravely defending their country from a foreign invasion! Just like we would do here if the Chinese invaded us!

Remember, guys, AGGRESSION (invading somebody else's country) is THE SUPREME WAR CRIME and THE SUPREME CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY. It is worse than genocide, worse than torture, worse than gassing people, worse than firebombing cities full of civilians, worse than nuking cities full of civilians. This is not my opinion - it is a fact, i.e. the established position of the profession of international law. Why? Because aggression paves the way to all the other crimes.

The right of people to defend themselves and their land, by any means necessary, against a foreign aggressor, is THE most fundamental human right.

And the Taliban are exercising it brilliantly.

Since I am neither a moron nor a psychopath, I have no choice but to support them.

So please, send those Marines to detain me ASAP.  As they march through my neighborhood ("the battlefield") to my door, it would be wonderful if you could have them singing "Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "Halls of Montezuma." I hope you can spare some bugle-players and drummers for the occasion.

And if possible, I would like to request a cell with a big-screen color TV, so I can watch the Packers and the Taliban keep right on kicking ass.

Sincerely,

Dr. Kevin Barrett
Western Wisconsin (you know where)


*The only "evidence" ever put forward to implicate "al-Qaeda" in 9/11 consists of ridiculous forced confessions evoked by massive doses of torture.

23 comments:

  1. Kevin, wow!!
    You kick ass!!!!! If each of us simply had the courage, good humor and compassion that you possess, 911 would have been exposed long ago!!
    We are almost as cowardly as those we seek to undo.
    This post is just wonderfully put, thankyou Kevin!
    Marigold

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  2. Excellent !!! and internet and free sms so we can chat as well and get updated in real time ...

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  3. Dear Dr. Barrett,

    We regret to inform you that at this time you appear to be ineligible for indefinite military detention.

    According to our guidelines, "substantially support" currently refers only to material support.

    We will keep you apprised of any changes in the law and its interpretation.

    If you feel this ruling is in error, you have the right to a hearing with the Department of Homeland Security Appeals Board.

    Remember, if your circumstances change, you may become eligible for indefinite military detention. You are welcome to re-apply at any time.

    Sincerely,

    Janet Napolitano
    Grand Poobah, Department of Homeland Security

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  4. You are hysterical!!! I love it, great way to diffuse the stress and turn it into a media event! Just be crystal clear with your feelings about the Taliban, et all, there are some crazy people out there with very low information! Dr. L in Chicago

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  5. you're brilliant..an absolute shining beacon.

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  6. Excellent letter Kevin!! But I doubt DHS has any capacity for tongue in cheek. But I do and enjoyed it.

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  7. Support for a CIA created entity?

    Kevin, are you ok?

    J. Standish Fortin
    "History is written by those who hang heroes"

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  8. The CIA has been on the right side a couple of times - such as vs. the Russians in Afghanistan - though not necessarily for the right reasons.

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  9. you're a brave lad, kevin. but i think the real threat is elsewhere.
    FB

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  10. This is great, Kevin -- savage satire!

    REC

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  11. your article is absolutely hilarious. i love it. "if bin laden who died in 2001 came back from the dead, dragging his seaweed covered dialysis machine behind him, i might offer him a few bucks...

    pure absolute genius. i hope they dont take you seriously.

    it is a pretty scary bill. i have been keeping up with the bad news from madrid... i can say the usa looks alot uglier from here. it is also interesting to watch the events unfolding in the eu... the new world order seems to be coming together quite nicely, huh?

    well, talk to you later. i am going to merrakesh for a week on dec 28th, and some surrounding areas. i have an irish friend who lives in merrakesh.

    good luck in corporate fascist hell.

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  12. Should we not turn in every NATO and UN hawk who through military force killing thousands managed to give control of Libya's government and riches to Al-Qaeda ?

    We need you behind your radio-microphone Kevin, not rotting away in some Michigan FEMA-camp !



    Eric

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  13. You're right, they're all "substantial supporters of al-Qaeda"!

    Maybe we could just declare the US and Europe a camp and be done with it ; - )

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  14. It has been some time since I visited website with such high quality information. Thank you so much for providing such helpful information. I honestly believe there is a skill to writing articles that only very few posses and yes you got it.
    Regards,
    ROTHCO

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  15. Dear Rothco,

    Normally I filter out spam posts, but in this case I must perform the public service of alerting the public that Rothco Military supports al-Qaeda and the Taliban.

    See you in the detention facility!

    -Kevin

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  16. Your assignation (of yourself) to permanent military detention is brilliant. I hope there will be thousands of us joining you in the next few weeks. I have been a long-time Truther, apearing for several years on a weekly cable-access TeeVee show in Cincinnati, called Cincinnati 911 Truth. I have for the past two months been deeply involved with the local Occupy movement, which I believe will begin creating an atmosphere where some of those who have insider- knowledge will find themselves inspired to come forward. The Occupiers seem to be going after those ridh jackals who are profiting by the insanity perpetrated under the banner of fighting an endless war on an abstraction.

    I have been an anti-war activist for many years. The ineptness of the anti-war movement led me into working for 911 truth. As a freelance journalist, I found myself inside our Contra wars in Nicaragua (three times), as well as up front and personal to the wars we sanctioned (read; encouraged) in Croatia, then Bosnia. I have also spent a chunk of time in our favorite Carribean sattelite war zone known as Haiti. This insanity must be stopped. I think your timely "offer" to the CIA throws insanity right back in their face. I applaud you for it. Even if it gets you locked up in permanent detention, the truth will set you, and all of us, free.

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  17. Right On Kevin! That was ....

    B R I L L I A N T ! ! ! ! !

    -JB

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  18. I think that day is coming soon enough I didn't think you needed to speed it up.

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  19. How could I forget? Bill of rights Dec, 15, 1791, gone Dec, 15, 2011.

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  20. Kevin I want a room next to yours so we can have a chat after ishaa prayers... possibly internet, tv, mobile...

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  21. Kevin,

    Have you been through SWA recently? Mid December 2011. Reason I ask is I came across this very same pamflet and I think I saw you there. I didnt have a chance to chat with you about it but i have many questions concerning it.

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  22. Hey Kevin...Here's my riff SO INSPIRED by you
    Dear Government:

    I'd would like to volunteer to be indefinitely detained...mostly cause the last two songs I wrote are really terrible and the Omelet I made this morning sucked, burnt on one side, not enough cheese..I mean it was really terrible... and terrible sounds kinda like terrorist.. so please just come and get me right away.
    I'm really not sure if I broke any laws but I do know I'm real dangerous when my frying pan is too hot.
    Oh, and could you please send the Marines 'cause I really like their song "From the Halls of Montezuma" that's a real catchy one ya know....and if it's not to much trouble, could you please ask them to be singing that song when they bust down my door? I bet they all know it by heart. Please tell them not to worry too much about the harmony parts 'cause I know it's real hard to fit in a rehearsal when your cracking down on the terrible...uh, I mean the terrorists. And I'm sure they have their hands full with those terra cotta pottery guys too. I mean isn't that dangerous? Making plates and bowls out of dirt?

    Thanks in advance

    Your Humble Subject

    Joe Blow Schmo

    PS.. I love water sports and I have my own skateboard... so I thought I might chip in and save ya a few bucks.

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