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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Where will it end?


How will we know when the "war on terror" is over?

How could the folks who storyboarded 9/11 and the "war on terror" possibly storyboard their way out of it? How can you end a war against an abstract noun?

Here's how some previous wars ended.

Can you imagine a "war is over" scenario for the so-called "war on terror"?  If not, it will go on forever, so better start imagining! As John and Yoko said, "war is over if you want it."

Al Qaeda Surrenders

"We're Giving Up On Humanity"

Obama: Long National "War On Terror" Nightmare Is Finally Over

Not Everyone Happy With Bin Laden's Decision to Leave Terrorism for Reality TV

Bat Guano Cave, Northwest Frontier Province, Pakistan

January 1, 2011

At exactly 9:11 a.m. this morning, America's longest war came to an end as Osama Bin Laden, or someone who looks a little bit like him, announced al-Qaeda's unconditional surrender to allied forces. "In the name of God the merciful and compassionate, I am here to say that al-Qaeda is hereby dissolved and the jihad against America and Israel is ended," Bin Laden intoned to the awestruck gasps and ululations of onlookers.

In his concession speech, Bin Laden stated that al-Qaeda's leadership decided to surrender for personal as well as political reasons. "Sure, the Zionists and their American lackeys are evil," Bin Laden said. "But, as the great TV philosopher Homer Simpson put it: 'DOH! What're ya gonna do?'" Bin Laden explained that he had been watching Simpsons re-runs while confined to his cave, and that after doing a lot of thinking, he and other top-ranking al-Qaeda members were "giving up on humanity." He added that being a world-famous terrorist leader forced to live in a cave for nine years hooked to a dialysis machine "isn't all it's cracked up to be."

The surprise announcement drew a mixed response from world opinion. In Washington, Barack Obama called a press conference announcing that "Our long national 'war on terror' nightmare is finally over," and asking Bin Laden to give half the profits from his new reality TV show to terror victims' families. Obama also announced that since he could no longer think of any reason to continue the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq other than oil and gas, pipelines, drug money, Zionism, permanent US bases, and the thrill of killing millions of innocent people for the hell of it, he would be sending an additional 200,000 troops to those war zones before preparations for withdrawal are scheduled to begin in the late 2030's.

Ordinary Americans reacted to the surprise announcement with mixed feelings. "Sure it's a big relief not having to worry about getting blown up by al-Qaeda every time I visit my hairdresser. But now who's going to want to look at my naked body and grope me when I fly?" said Phyllis Flintstoogle, 58, of Lubbock, Texas. Her husband, Philip Flintstoogle, 72, added that he had actually sort of enjoyed worrying about being blown up by al-Qaeda. "To be perfectly honest, I'm going to miss them," Flintstoogle stated. "I'm not quite sure what to do with myself without them."

"I'm glad to see we've finally smoked Bin Laden out of his cave," said Sgt. Schmook Nicklewit of the Northeast Western Reserve Forces of the South 3449th Regiment of the Applesoosa (FL) National Guard. "But how do we know that he's going to stick with reality TV and never relapse into terrorism? I think he should be microchipped so he'll never again be able to disappear into a cave with a dialysis machine and watch Simpsons reruns for nine years."

Ironically, Sgt. Nicklewit's worst fears may be realized. Bin Laden claimed in his speech that his new reality TV show, Osama's Cave, would be even bigger than any of al-Qaeda's previous critically-acclaimed terror spectaculars. "Think of it: Seven ordinary Americans, flown into the wilds of the Northwest Frontier Province and taken into my cave, where they are forced to sit with me watching Simpsons reruns and changing my catheter. After a few days or weeks of this, they start to break down; one by one, they lose it and run screaming from the cave, only to be mowed down by machine-gun-wielding Pashtun tribesmen. Which American will be able to hold out the longest and win valuable prizes?"

Award-winning scriptwriter Philip Zelikow, whose made-for-TV credits include "9/11: Attack on America," said he doubted that Osama's Cave would draw the huge audiences achieved by previous al-Qaeda-attributed spectaculars. "I've been writing this guy's scripts for years, and let me tell you, this 'cave' thing just isn't right for him. Plato, sure - Plato could make a cave interesting. But Osama? Give me a break. He needs planes into buildings, buildings blowing up, mythical cell phone calls from Solicitor General's wives aboard allegedly hijacked airplanes. Put him in a cave on dialysis, throw in seven average Americans, and what do you get? Sheer tedium. I predict it won't finish its first season."

The millions of people killed during the nine-and-one-half year "war on terror" could not be reached for comment.

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