TSA Tips for Travelers: Or, How to Stop Worrying and Love Letting Us Touch Your Junk

[Note: TruthJihad blog always attempts to prevent a fair and balanced view of issues related to the War on Terror. In order to do so, we occasionally invite contributions from those whose views we would ordinarily oppose. Today, due to widespread public rage against TSA groping and naked body scanners, we felt obliged to invite the TSA to respond.]

TSA Tips for Travelers: Or, How to Stop Worrying and Love Letting Us Touch Your Junk

Guest blog post by Vora Rephilia, Assistant Pubic Relations Officer, Transportation Security Administration

Greetings, travelers! We at the Transportation Security Administration are dedicated to making your journey as pleasant as possible. That is why we offer you the choice of either allowing us to look at you naked, or allowing us to fondle your genitals.

We know that many of you have been raised to feel ashamed of exposing your naked bodies in public. For people who suffer from this kind of inhibition, we offer the option of merely having your genitals groped.

Some people are worried about how their kids will react to our screening procedures.

It is your responsibility to inform your children that cavity searches are an integral part of informed citizenship in a free society. If they resist, our agents are equipped with a broad spectrum of animal tranquilizers to help them enjoy this important educational experience.

We also understand that there are some health concerns about the massive radiation exposures created by our naked body scanners. Let us just put that whole issue to rest by saying that thus far, there has not been even ONE single documented case of anyone visibly mutating while passing through one of our scanners. If there had been, trust us, we would have noticed.

We know that despite all of our efforts to lubricate our invasive security procedures, we have been getting some bad press lately. Here are some recent headlines:

Rape Survivor Devastated by TSA Enhanced Pat Down

TSA official pats down distraught 3-year-old girl

Coffee, Tea, or Should We Feel Your Pregnant Wife’s Breasts Before Throwing You in a Cell at the Airport and Then Lying About Why We Put You There?

All of these passengers could have had much more pleasant experiences with TSA if they had been better-informed about proper procedures at TSA checkpoints.

Below is a passenger-training video produced by the Department of Homeland Security. In the video, two glamorous Hollywood actors demonstrate the patriotic way to behave at a TSA checkpoint. 


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